This week we went back to some of the discussion we had last school year around recognizing emotions and then regulating.

This time, there was a whole new spin on things as we had different dads in the room.

Emotions Aren’t Bad, They Need to Be Recognized To Be Processed…but Then

If there was any take away that I had from the meeting was the need for emotions to be processed, but not to end there.

HAVE A VISION OF EMOTIONAL MATURITY

You have to cast a vision of what healthy emotional maturity is. How can you recognize what is happening in you and then regulate? What is it like to feel something strongly and then still have a high level of self control? What would that look like as an adult?

This is where we are leading our kids. The ability to have emotional intensity, but also self-control.

HELPING YOUR KIDS RECOGNIZE EMOTION

We talked about using the feelings wheels, using feelings cartoon diagrams, and using Inside Out characters. The more vocabulary we give to our children the more specifically they can express what they feel. Expressing allows regulation and recognition of the truth of the situation because the logical side of the brain can come back online.

HOPE AT THE CENTER

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”

Prov 13:12

All emotion can be seen as a fulfillment or (not)fulfillment of hope.

Grief is essentially unmet expectations. It could be massive unmet expectations (someone dies, so all the times you though you would have with them are needing to be grieved). It could be a minor unmet expectations(I thought I was going to get dessert after dinner but there isn’t time and it has to be grieved).

THE ALL IN ONE EXAMPLE

One of the dads pulled up to the meeting and his son embodied the lesson of the day.

Upon arriving to school, this particular 5 year old, John realized he had forgotten his backpack. He dropped down in the front seat and started screaming “I don’t want to go to school.” The father was trying to get him to come out when his 12 year old daughter, Jane, said to John, “John, are you afraid of looking bad because everyone else has a backpack and you forgot yours?”

John replied, sheepishly, “Yes.”

Jane replied, “Don’t worry, it will be okay. People forget things sometimes.”

John then emerged from the car. Funnily, my son, at that moment, realized he had forgotten his trombone.

SHAME

John was in shame. He was hiding, much like Adam in the garden of eden, and needed someone to call him out. The call of God, “where are you?” is much like the call to emotional recognition.

God ended up covering the shame of Adam, and Jane ended up helping to cover up the shame of John.

WHAT IS TRUE/NOT TRUE?

What was true for John was that he wasn’t the only child that has forgotten his backpack. What was also true was that his dad was going to bring the bag soon as well.

WHAT CAN YOU CONTROL/NOT CONTROL

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change,
Courage to change the
things I can, and the
wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the
pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this
sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make
all things right if I
surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy
in this life, and supremely
happy with Him forever in
the next.

– Reinhold Niebuhr (1926)

Another step in this practice is understanding what you can control and what you can’t control.

What you can control (either in the past or in the future), allows you to take responsibility, learn, and grow.

What you can’t control gives you the opportunity to pray.

Practices

1. Use a feelings wheel or emotional cartoon faces to talk about feelings you had during the day at the dining room table.
2. Use Inside Out to talk about how sadness and joy can exist that the same time.
3. Try and slow down and recognize when there is an important moment where your child needs to process emotions.
4. Help the child in the moment to realize that the emotion doesn’t define them so that they don’t cower in shame
5. Help your child understand what is true and what is not true
6. Help your child understand what they can control or not control.
7. Be the thermostat in the room. Often we bow to the emotional charge in the room but if we stay regulated, with our emotions at a low level, we can bring levels down.

Bonus: Attachment Therapy Stages and Application

1. Attachment

• Definition: Attachment refers to the deep emotional bond that develops between a child and their primary caregiver (typically a parent). This bond forms in early infancy and is crucial for the child’s emotional stability and sense of security.
• Importance: In attachment therapy, this phase is crucial because it lays the foundation for how the individual will form relationships later in life. Secure attachment leads to healthy relationships, while insecure attachment can result in difficulties with trust, intimacy, and emotional regulation.
• Goal: To help children establish a sense of secure attachment if there was early disruption (e.g., due to neglect or trauma).

2. Separation

• Definition: Separation refers to the process where a child begins to distinguish themselves as a separate entity from their caregiver. This often begins in toddlerhood when children start exploring the world independently.
• Importance: Healthy separation involves the child feeling safe to explore while still knowing they can return to their caregiver for comfort. If the attachment phase was secure, separation tends to be smoother. Unhealthy or premature separation can lead to issues with autonomy and dependence later in life.
• Goal: Ability to work out going out on your own and then returning to a safe place to process (like exploring on their own and getting a cut and coming home to heal and get first aid), so you they can go out again.

3. Integration

• Definition: Integration involves the child reconciling the concepts of being both dependent and independent. They begin to understand that they can be both attached to a caregiver and a separate individual. The child integrates both positive and negative experiences with the caregiver into a cohesive understanding of their relationship.
• Importance: Integration helps individuals develop a balanced self-concept, understanding that it’s possible to be both connected to others and maintain their autonomy. It’s key for emotional regulation and forming complex relationships.
• Goal: Help children process contradictory feelings (e.g., love and frustration) and develop a healthy, realistic understanding of their relationships and responsibility for both past and present.

4. Maturation

• Definition: Maturation refers to the final stage where the individual develops emotional maturity, resilience, and a stable sense of self. They are able to maintain healthy, secure relationships while being independent and self-sufficient.
• Importance: In this phase, the individual has developed the ability to navigate relationships with emotional intelligence, balance, and understanding. They can rely on themselves while maintaining meaningful connections with others.
• Goal: Guild children toward emotional maturity, which includes self-acceptance, healthy relationships, and resilience in the face of challenges.