Starving the Sumo & Redeeming the Car Ride: Raising Men (and Women) in a Confusing Age

There’s a lot of noise right now about “toxic masculinity,” confusing messages about gender, and a culture that quietly disciples our sons and daughters every time they open a phone. In the middle of that swirl, a group of dads sat together and asked a simple but huge question: What does it mean to be a man who loves Jesus, and how do we help our kids get there?

This conversation ranged from porn and shame to long car rides and AI “relationships.” Underneath all of it was a shared desire: to show our kids something better.

What Dads Put into Practice The Previous Week

Before we talked big ideas, some dads shared what they had actually done with their kids. These lived-out moments matter, because discipleship is always more “show and tell” than “say and hope.”

Initiating the “man conversation” about porn.
One dad saw a small opening with his son—something about “weird stuff on phones”—and chose not to let it pass. He initiated a real conversation about lust and pornography, teaching his son about bouncing your eyes (Job 31:1) and “starving the sumo”—the idea that every click on porn feeds an appetite that grows, while resistance and distance slowly shrink it (James 1:14–15; 1 Cor 6:18).
Using the car ride to connect, not just commute.
Another dad noticed he normally filled the car with music. This time he left space in the silence, then shared about his own day first before asking his son about his. That small shift—going first, not interrogating—opened room for real conversation (Deut 6:6–7).
Praying at night, on purpose and in front of the family.
One dad realized that committing out loud to pray at night as a family—and then following through—was shaping his kids and also himself. Instead of private intentions, he modeled visible spiritual leadership (Josh 24:15).
Shared activities that become conversation gateways.
Another dad shared how co-managing a fantasy football team with his son creates a natural on-ramp for deeper talks. It starts with trades and matchups, but often leads into life, worries, and temptations.
Showing affection to mom in front of the kids.
One dad said he deliberately shows affection to his wife in front of their kids—telling her she’s beautiful, saying “I love your mom,” small touches that normalize honor and tenderness (Eph 5:25–28).

All of these are simple, ordinary moments—but they’re also holy ground. They are sermons our kids can see.

The Battle for Our Sons’ (and Daughters’) Hearts

When that dad talked with his son about porn, he gave him more than rules; he gave him tools.

“You can’t always control what you see, but you can control what you do next.”
“Bounce your eyes.”
“Starve the sumo—don’t feed the appetite.”

Jesus takes lust seriously (Matt 5:27–28), but He also offers real hope: there’s always a way of escape (1 Cor 10:13). Teaching our kids about temptation isn’t about shaming them for having desires; it’s about helping them see that those desires need to be ordered toward love, not consumption.

And dads, that starts with us owning our own story—where we’ve failed, how God has forgiven us, and how we’re learning to live in the light (1 John 1:7–9).

Shoulder-to-Shoulder Discipleship

A theme that kept surfacing was this: boys often open up better shoulder-to-shoulder than face-to-face.

Long car rides
Tossing a ball for a few minutes
Working on a project
Camping, fishing, or some small “mission”

When we’re driving, or walking, or working with our hands, eye contact isn’t forced, there’s a slight distraction, and the pressure drops. Suddenly the question, “So… what are you thinking about lately?” doesn’t feel like an interrogation.

Deuteronomy describes discipleship as something that happens “when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up” (Deut 6:6–7). In modern language: on the way to practice, in the pickup line, on the road trip, and at the dinner table.

One older psychologist once told a young dad, “Don’t give up the car rides. You’ll get more out of that time than almost anything else.” The dads in the room said, He was right.

A Positive Vision of Manhood

Our culture is full of messages about what men must not be, but very few about what men should be.

One definition shared in the group was this:

Manhood is the joyful pursuit of sacrificial responsibility.

That lines up beautifully with Scripture. Jesus embodies it:

He joyfully endured the cross (Heb 12:2).
He took responsibility for sins that were not His (2 Cor 5:21).
He laid down His life for His Bride, the Church (Eph 5:25).

For our sons, that means things like:

Taking responsibility, not making excuses.
Protecting women, not using or mocking them (1 Pet 3:7).
Moving toward hard things, not away from them (1 Cor 16:13–14).

For our daughters, we model the kind of man they should look for by how we treat their mom—honoring her, listening to her, serving her, repenting when we’re wrong.

Fighting Shame with Honest, Normalized Conversation

One dad raised a crucial point: shame can shut boys down.

If the only messages they hear about male desire and sexuality are negative, they may start to believe:

“I’m gross.”
“I’m the only one who struggles with this.”
“If my parents knew what I thought, they’d be disgusted.”

Instead, we can say things like:

“Your body is doing what God designed it to do as you grow.”
“Temptation isn’t sin—what you do with it matters” (James 1:14–15).
“You’re not alone in this, and you never will be. I’m here. Jesus is here.”

Some dads even “think out loud” in front of their kids about times they feel shame or screw something up, then walk through how they preach the gospel to themselves: “I feel embarrassed. I did mess that up. But there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus” (Rom 8:1).

That gives kids a script for their own inner world.

Community: Eight Adults Who Know Their Name

One dad mentioned a study: kids are more likely to keep walking with Jesus in college if eight or more adults in their church know them and engage them by name.

That means:

Saying hi to other kids, not just your own.
Inviting fatherless or struggling boys into your family’s “normal.”
Letting your kids see other men they respect following Jesus.

Scripture expects this kind of intergenerational life: older believers teaching and modeling for the younger (Titus 2:2–8). Your kids need more than you. Other kids need more than their parents. The church is supposed to fill that gap.

Technology, AI, and the Cost of Convenience

The dads also touched on AI: romantic chatbots, driverless cars, and all the ways tech might “solve” problems while quietly eroding relationships.

One wise filter was offered:

Does this tool help me love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love my neighbor as myself? (Matt 22:37–39)

AI can mimic listening, but it cannot repent, forgive, or truly love. A driverless car might save time, but it can’t disciple a teenager at 8:15 a.m. on a Tuesday.

Convenience always has a cost. Fathers are called to count that cost and choose love over ease, presence over efficiency.

Action Steps for Dads This Week

Here are some concrete ways to live this out in the next 7 days:

Have one honest “man conversation.”
With your son (or daughter, age-appropriately), bring up temptation, phones, or porn. Use language like “bouncing your eyes” and “starving the sumo.” Share your own journey and point them to grace, not just rules.
Redeem one car ride.
Turn off the music. Start by sharing your high/low from the day, then ask about theirs. Don’t rush to fix—just listen.
Start (or restart) a simple nighttime prayer rhythm.
Even 2–3 minutes. Pray out loud over your kids. Let them hear you bring their fears, temptations, and futures before Jesus.
Use “High / Low / Buffalo” at dinner.
Go around the table:
- High = best part of the day
- Low = hardest part
- Buffalo = anything random or surprising
  Let it open the door to deeper questions.
Plan one shoulder-to-shoulder activity.
Toss a ball, work on a project, take a short drive, go for a walk. The goal isn’t productivity; it’s presence and conversation space.
Intentionally honor their mom in front of them.
Tell your wife something specific you appreciate about her, with the kids listening. A gentle touch, kind words, a small act of service—model the kind of man your kids should become or choose.
Name and normalize one hard thing.
At some point this week, briefly share with your kids a moment you felt shame, fear, or failure—and how you brought it to Jesus.
Invest in one child who isn’t yours.
At church, sports, or school, learn a kid’s name, ask one follow-up question about their life, and remember it next time.
Write down your definition of manhood.
Try something like: “Manhood is the joyful pursuit of sacrificial responsibility.” Pray over how to teach that to your kids with both words and habits.
Ask God for one opportunity—and courage to take it.
Pray, “Lord, give me a moment this week to step in as a father—and help me not to miss it.”

You will not do this perfectly. None of us will. But our kids don’t need perfect dads—they need present, repentant, and persistent ones who keep pointing them to the perfect Father.